TheNews?
If You Believe It, It's Your Own Damn Fault
The Uk's Alternative to T.P. Will Leave You Questioning the Nations Sanity...
The UK has hit a creative frenzy as we surge into a Toilet Paper shortage thanks to the panic shoppers of the past month or so...
So what have UK residents been using instead of the soft cushioned 4-ply "luxury"?
Newspapers...
According to a national survey, Newspapers are being used as a 4th popular alternative for T.P., mainly in Scotland. People were interviewed from the windows of their houses and asked why this was the option they chose...
"Aye, ma family uses it so we can wipe our arses with the b******* going on... plus all this politics c*** belongs down the shitter! It's discustang!" - Fergus McDonald, Edinburgh.
(Plumbers have warned to not flush this as much as toilet paper otherwise there will be problems unsolvable through lockdowns.)
Family Pets...
Surprisingly, the public would rather wipe themselves with a beloved pet over newspaper! A Dad of 7 from Llanfairpwllgwyngyll, Wales, commented on this saying...
"Ugh, yeah... what else would we wipe with? Just bang 'em in the spinner for 5 minutes and they're all clean again! Just don't use a brown animal cuz you wont be able to tell if they are clean or not!"
Kitchen Roll...
This option is becoming more and more popular as an alternative to toilet paper in Essex, Manchester, York and Birmingham. Although it makes sense as the next best thing, please Do Not attempt to flush this or you will be facing the same problems as newspaper!
Ever so curious about this decision, people were once again interviewed about this choice, Most people said it was because of how much softer it was than newspaper - but the best reason was given by Frankie, mum of 3 from Chelmsford, Essex...
"Well, it says it in the title da'nt it! One sheet does plenty! And don't worry about blocking the pipes, my husband, Nick, he's a plumber ya know, he said just put it in a bin and pretend your in Greece! This is like a free holiday anyway, inni--itt."
Spong-On-A-Stick...
A Sponge-on-a-stick is the UK's number one alternative for toilet paper, but we will have to see how long that lasts for...
Similarly to the Ancient Roman use within communal toilets, people are fashioning their own out of any kind of sponge they can find - make-up sponges, Car wash sponges, Washing up sponges, luffas (although they are not the same as a sponge), and even the mop sponge!
Please do not share your sponge with anyone else, doctors have warned many people about the health risks of this methods and recommend using your dog, or even the neighbour's dog.